(To be read in an upper class English accent)

What ho you chaps in the colonies! It’s Farquarson here, chief secretary to the Trade Ministry here in Blighty.

Thing is, we’ve found a spiffing wheeze to play on those little people we like to call “voters”. What we’ve done is tell them how terribly concerned Her Majesty’s Government is about this climate change thingy – I don’t understand all this science, that nice David King sends important notes around which we use to line the office budgerigar’s cage bottom with – so the people get all worried. That Attenborough bloke did a couple of documentaries about it, but I think we got away without letting too much out of the bag.

Anyway, lots of people have been getting quite wound up about global thingamy-wotsit, while at the same time our leader, you know, that Blair chap, decides we should have a good chat about energy. Lots of people were sending in ideas that were jolly serious, and certainly not what we wanted; so we ignored all that and wrote what we wanted. There were lovely things about banning standby switches and putting those spinny, windy things up (but not near my house in Chelsea, thank goodness – it might have dented the Bentley), so those greeny people could sleep safely in their beds. And while no-one was looking we sneaked something in about nuclear power; I think it was in the middle of chapter 5.

We know those greenies aren’t too clever, so they won’t notice that our pals in the nuclear industry have been trying to get those spinny, windy things banned, while banging on about the glorious atom. Look, you have to understand, we do really care; we want to stop those ice caps melting, because driving around Westminster would be hell if the Thames Barrier burst; but someone has to pay our wages. You don’t look a gift horse in the mouth – and the gifts that have been coming my way could buy my Susie a lovely horse – two, even.

I hope no-one finds out that those big boys in energy have been getting all the cream. They keep telling me to make sure Tony doesn’t mention energy efficiency too much, and God help me if those chaps in the CBI think we are trying to cut the amount of energy we use – it would be more than my job’s worth!

And for goodness sake don’t read this article – that Farnish bloke’s trouble. Wonder if we can extradite him…