Clean coal enthusiasts got a boost today when ConAgra scientists released news that a new form of genetically modified corn was able to absorb one thousand times it’s weight in co2, effectively solving global warming, making clean coal a possibility, and creating a ten fold increase in the amount of ethanol produced per acre.

“This plant is so amazing, we are going nuts around here” said Chief scientist on the project Dixie Normace. She went on to say “We have been calling it Corn Nuts around the office, it’s that amazing, seriously.” The new plant uses a patented seed technology that will only allow farmers to plant it one time before they have to buy the seeds again the next year from ConAgra. “We don’t want any poor people in Africa saving up some of the seed crop and growing more of this stuff without us getting a cut” Said Hue G. Rection Patent Lawyer for the firm.

The real magic comes when Corn Nuts are combined with clean coal technology. “This stuff can be watered with coal ash, a perfectly healthy and safe substance, increasing the carbon sequestration properties 1000 fold” Mrs. Normace said. She went on to say “We don’t have to worry about coal anymore, it is clean as a whistle with this new corn plant on our side. Blow the tops off all the mountains, cause global warming is solved!”

Through a complicated and expensive process the DNA from chronic gamblers is infused into the corn making the corn exceedingly unlucky, and optimistic. “This plant will just keep sucking up the CO2, always thinking that the next big score is around the corner, but never realizing that the house always wins.” Said Mr Jack MeHoff, public relations. Due to the strange life cycle of the plant, huge amounts of chemical fertilizer, pesticide, and herbicide are needed to keep every other living thing for miles around dead, otherwise the plant will shrivel and die.

“We tried to make it more hardy, but every time we did it killed all the butterflies, cats, dogs, and humans with red hair who came in contact with it, so instead we just blast the whole area with a hefty dose of Roundup, and then dump about a thousand gallons of chemical fertilizer on the site, nothing but Corn Nuts will grow after that.” Said Ian P. Freely, chief medical researcher for the firm. Mr. Freely did admit that this caused several ocean “dead zones” although he preferred the words “sea floor clearance zones” but that this was a small price to pay for progress.

Corn Nuts should be rolled out world wide starting sometime in early April of 2010. “The world would have to be a fool not to immediately adopt this product” Said Mrs. Normace. I agree, only fools would continue to burn coal without using Corn Nuts during this climate crisis. Burning coal fills the seas with mercury, destroys mountain tops, ruins the healths of people near the power plant, and helps to stifle the production of renewable energy. But with Corn Nuts, we don’t have to worry about the CO2! Carbon capture and storage has now solved the problem of burning coal!! Burn baby burn!