I often find myself sitting around asking myself “hey self, will you be ready if zombies were to rise up from the dead tonight,” suprisingly the answer is almost always a resounding no! So in an effort to keep them sweet sweet brains in my head, my good friend Matt has written this zombie faq.

A brief FAQ about Zombies

By Reverend M. Lee Honoré

What is a zombie?

A zombie is a dead human, yet it moves and hungers for human flesh. Terms such as the living dead and the undead, nomenclature like zombers and zedheads, and zombie (derived from a similar voodoo experience) all describe these creatures. Zombies have no memory of being alive, and are unable to develop new memories. The only thing that zombies think about is eating you. Most stories, zombies can only come from humans, but there have been noted stories about zombie animals.

How do I kill a zombie?

The only way to kill a zombie is by causing trauma to the brain. A zombie cannot bleed to death because its blood has been coagulated. A zombie does not feel pain as its nervous system doesn’t work and will not stop until its brain has been smashed. One or two stories about zombies imply that they are afraid of fire, but I wouldn’t put that to the test. The thing to remember is that one zombie is not necessarily scary. Zombies are scary because they come in hordes and are considered unstoppable because of their sheer numbers.

My loved one has been bitten by a zombie, what do I do?

There is no cure. Kill him or her as soon as possible using brain trauma. If you do not, she or he will die, turn into a zombie, and eat you. Depending on where he or she was bitten, you have a certain amount of time to say your last goodbyes. If the wound is near an extremity, you have more time. The closer the wound is to an artery, the faster your loved one will eventually want to eat you. Transmission can be through the bloodstream or any infected bodily fluid that comes into contact with your bodily fluids.

How do zombies move?

Though a zombie preserves no knowledge of its previous life, it still retains basic motor skills. It is able to walk, use its arms, and eat you. Despite what inferior Hollywood movies show you, a zombie cannot run or climb (though they can use stairs), and does not have the capacity to use tools unless it evolves (more on that later). Zombies are also immensely strong, as they will push themselves to the limit of their body’s capacity, sometimes breaking tendons or bones, to feast upon your soft human flesh. Zombies will continue to drive their bodies until they completely fall apart.

Can zombies procreate?

No, and stop asking. Zombies are dead. They eat the living, who in turn become zombies assuming their brains weren’t eaten or smashed in the process. That’s how zombies make more zombies. It is not self-sustaining, but neither is polluting the earth. Think about it.

How and why do zombies find people?

For some odd reason, zombies rely on their sense of smell more than their living counterparts when it comes to finding living meat. If they still have eyes, they can also see you. Their hearing, if intact, will also guide them to any sound they may hear. If no people are around, zombies generally walk around and decompose. Zombies are going to go after people because they really like the taste of your flesh.

How do zombie invasions start out?

No one is really in agreement here. Ideas include radiation from Venus probes, a virus, biological weapons, meteorites, and aliens. Once it starts, an incursion is almost impossible to stop due to misconceptions about the undead and human feelings such as love.

Why brains?

Once again, depending on what you watch or read, zombies want human brains or they want flesh. If zombies did nothing but eat brains, there would be no more zombies to join their undead ranks though, so most schools of thought believe zombies don’t care about brains.

Do zombies evolve?

There has been only one visualization in which zombies evolve into something deeper than the walking dead. Given that George Romero (granddad of zombies) directed it, we can predict that if zombies stick around long enough, they will adapt to their surroundings and maybe feel feelings, which I think is super scary. We may make them fearful, but they can then get angry too. Other than that, zombies are doomed to walk the earth thinking of nothing but eating flesh until they are put out of their misery or completely decompose.

One final thought; it is important to remember when reading about zombies, watching movies of zombies, or looking at your backyard full of zombies that they are analogous to society. Thus we should be ever vigilant for zombies attacking our culture.